Monday, June 22, 2009

The Pot Calling the Kettle...

J-sin writes:

I am asian, but I feel black. Is that wrong?

My response:

Being black in America brings a wealth of love, opportunity, and dimension to our society. Members of the black community will be the first to welcome you in a loving embrace with open arms and educate you in all there is to know and value as a member of this boundless and courageous community.

With this is mind I would say, yes, you are wrong to feel black.

I'm not sure I'm able to point out what exactly it is about black culture that attracts so many diverse groups to it; its accepting warmth, its brave endurance, its brilliant creativity and ingenuity, etc. Whatever the source may be, too much outside influence will tarnish and pollute this beautiful group.

My advice to you would be to admire this celebrated group from afar and do what you can to advance and protect it, but it's imperative, that at all costs, you refrain from considering yourself an active member.

You are not black. You never will be. Any interest in French-Canadians?

Friday, June 19, 2009

When Social Graces Fall on their Faces

Cold Co-Worker writes:

I work in an area that is pretty open. So I hear a lot from all ends of the office. My coworkers love to laugh and there's nothing wrong with that. But sometimes I'm on the phone and I know the person on the other end can hear the loud banter and laughter. I feel bad sometimes for them because they must be questioning what is going on. I know I might sound like Angela from The Office right about now, but how do I handle this?

My response:

I believe I see an underlying problem here. Isn't your concern really that your co-workers are just having a good time without you and you just feel excluded? Chin up, little chick! This problem is really no problem at all!

What you need to do is stop all of your constant nagging and bad-mouthing and start joining the party!!

I'm sure there have been times when you've made a half-hearted effort to engage with your fellow office-folk, but you must not give up! Ignore them when you hear, "here comes Debbie Downer," or "don't leave that near It's office." Let your office-mates know that you're willing to make an effort and to change your stagnant ways. You may never be able to blossom into the social butterfly that you wish to be, but mark my words, your co-workers will learn to appreciate your awkward comments and tendencies to invade others' personal space, by simply adding a little kindness.

Sugar and Spice and Everything...

Dream Roll Craver writes:

I have recently discovered sushi and have fallen in love with the oceanic cuisine. However, I feel the sushi palate is wanting when it comes to sweet tasting delights. Got any suggestions?

My response:

Awww...I understand the age old dilemma of complementing your favorite foods while satisfying your sweet-tooth.

I must admit the beautiful thing about asian cuisine is that you can always expect the unexpected. Unlike traditional American cuisine, which is so binding and limited, Japanese fare allows you to unleash your test buds to its most fecund point and then begs you to proceed even further...

It seems that what you truly wish to indulge is your umami sense; a taste of savory. What you really need to do is make your own sushi and add to it anything you feel is delightful. A lot of people like tuna, but a lot of people also like mentos (yes, the freshmaker). Try rolling some tuna in seaweed and adding a mentos mint to the top. Or how about macaroni and cheese rolled in salami? The sky's the limit and you're clear for take off!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A Book of One Year Does Not a Life Make

Anonymous Q writes:

I'm concerned about my friend. She loves yearbooks, and I mean loves yearbooks. She can't seem to get enough of them, even for her alma mater for students she doesn't even know. Isn't there a statute of limitations on yearbook excitement? Or do I have to resign myself to the fact that my friend is a school-spirit-aholic?

My Response:

Let me tell you, school spirit is NOT the issue here. This friend of yours needs a wake up call that will usher her into 2009. Typically, after we graduate, we go one to have many new life experiences and, consequently, grow up. Every now and then, though, some of us are left a little stuck in the past and find the need to desperately grab hold of our former glories (not realizing, however, that there may be more glory to come).

Help your friend realize that her best years have not yet passed her by and that she's fretting them away vicariously through bad hair and acne laden pages. Suggest something else that will help her boldly look to the future; a new hairstyle or possibly a cat.

As for those old yearbooks, send them my way. I know someone that has a blank, bedroom wall to decorate.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Addicted to Apps...Because iHaveNoFriends

iDunno writes:

I love my iPhone, especially because it is officially better than the blackberry curve (what losers are still using that old thing anyway?). It’s so pretty, but now that everyone is jumping on the bandwagon, I need to make my phone stand out more. What can I do to set it apart from everyone else’s without using a tacky old plastic or rubber cover?

My response:

I can see why you're uber-obsessed with your iPhone: you clearly have no one to talk to so you validate yourself with the knick-knacky-ness of your apparatus. The bright colors and smoothness of it, must make quite the companion. This is a tool that you really see as more of a friend or a loved one; a portal to the outside world, if you will.

You cherish your contrivance and wish to show your appreciation by dolling her up, which is a rare and beautiful gift to bestow. I imagine you've already named the device so I'd recommend dressing her accordingly. For instance, if she's a Gwen, give her a pomp and a form fitting wife-beater. If she's a Beyonce, give her an electric boo-tay and some flashy heels. Or maybe she's a Fergie and needs some booty shorts and a face lift. In any event, I'm positive you'll know how to proceed once you've properly identified her personality.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

In Xanadu, did Kublai Khan, a stately pleasure dome decree...

Lost in Tiki Land writes:

My coworker is on vacation. For two weeks to be exact. She is in Hawaii, so we have changed her office into our very own Tiki Lounge and will even have Shirley Temples. My problem is that I'm becoming a little too attached to this lounge. Yesterday I sat in there for 10 minutes just to escape the work life. Today there will be more breaks in there. I felt like I was on a mini-vacation and it was a little bit of paradise for my soul. What should I do when she comes back? I'm afraid she won't appreciate the Tiki Lounge magic and what a place of comfort and happiness it has become. Please advise me on how to deal with the situation and my attachment to the delightful room that is full of colorful Tiki Hawaiian life!

My Response:

This certainly does sound like a treat and I only see one option working for you; you must plan a coup against this tropical traveler and get her fired before she returns thus eliminating the unfortunate demise of your in-office getaway. Here's a step-by-step of how to proceed:

1) Remind your co-workers of all of the awful things she's ever done to them (embellishments are encouraged)
2) Start refering to her in the past tense, as if she already no longer worked there.
3) Slowly remove her personal items from her office.
4) Throw casual get togethers in her office, but only refer to it as the Tiki Lounge.

and for the coup de gras,

5) Erase everyone's hard drive and be sure the blame falls directly on the absent abandoner.

This is a sure fire way to keep your much needed and well-deserved lounge. Enjoy!