Wednesday, May 27, 2009

You're no Van Gogh

Q writes:

I've recently moved and have one wall in my room that remains completely empty. I'm so non-committal and don't want to pound in any nails to hang anything. What if I need to rearrange? What should I put on it? If I don't like it, then I'll have little holes everywhere...and if there is one thing that scares me more at night that leaving my closet door open, its a porous blank white wall. What should I do?

My Response:

First of all, get yourself to Madison's for Monday Night Football and you'll see what TRUE non-commital is. Trust me, you'll feel better. Once you realize how un-non-commital you are, you'll be free to go wild. Start off by letting your inner-soul decorate for you by painting a collage while blindfolded. Make a scene that makes you happy; the beach on a foggy day, a wooded path near a babbling brook, the mosh pit at a Slayer concert. Wherever it may be, DRAW IT, and fill the whole wall. "But I'm no artist" you say? It doesn't matter, your inner-soul has never let you down (except for that one time you thought it would be a good idea to call your ex-boyfriend after a bad date)!

Next, get some outside perspective by having close friends create some art work to hang on the wall. Don't worry about holes in the wall, your Inner-Soul Collage will hide any holes that you may accrue from your new paintings.

By the time you're finished with your wall, you'll stand back and feel so overwhelmed by sentimental worth that you won't even notice that you've destroyed your room. But hey, you spend most of your time in the living room anyhow. Enjoy.

If the Prada fits...

Brand Whore writes:

I just bought some Under Armour athletic shoes that look great. Unfortunately, Under Armour's shorts don't fit me well, but I should be the face of Nike because I look great in theirs. Is it okay to brand mix when the logos are blatantly displayed on both items? Help!

My Response:

I believe your problem is deeper than which brand to represent. As a self aware "brand whore" you are limiting yourself apparel-wise but more importantly wearing your life story on the outside. Being a brand whore gives everything away about you; you aspire to greatness but you will have to settle for the talents of a gay stripper.

I say you bring this question to the street and start asking well-dressed strangers for their opinion. I have faith in the public (but only the good-looking, rich and affluent public). You will soon find that no one's really paying that much attention.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Dish Pan Hands

Cinderella writes:

My co-workers are slobs, and it's in my job description to clean the kitchen. I've tried complaining to HR but she is the messiest one! What should I do? (Do you have any need for an assistant?)

My Response:

Well, in my humble opinion, you get what you asked for. I mean, any job that has "kitchen duty" written in the job description should raise every red flag that you're gonna be working with pigs of the Swine Flu variety. Given this economy, I'd say you're stuck, but that doesn't mean you can't be a little "organized."

If your office is small enough, inform your co-workers that you've decided to add structure to your life as an effort to enhance your personal timeliness and growth. With that in mind, you'll be posting a log that evaluates your "Kitchen Duty." For example, when tracking dishes, mark the amount of dishes you do and to whom the offending dishes belong to and as a bonus, add the degree of filth dishes were left in by using a scale of 1-10 (instead of stars or numbers, use small pictures of smelly piles of poo for added emphasis). Post these logs all over the kitchen and then quarterly, publish a report for your coworkers to peruse, detailing your triumphs over specific messes.

Be sure to thank everyone for their cooperation in your humble pursuits and that you look forward to continual growth with them.

Hell Hath No Fury

Jake writes:

True story. So there's a cat that hangs out in my front yard every night when I get home from work and man this thing is not friendly. Every time I walk up to it, it starts hissing and gets ready to attack. In fact, the other night I got home and I swung with my hand to shoo it away and it came back with a right claw and got me pretty good. What do I do?

My Response:

Have you ever heard, "You're once, twice, three times a lady?" Man, I love The Commodores!

But I digress, this feisty feline sounds brutal and must be dealt with in the same manner that you would a psycho ex-girlfriend.

I like your inital response to take a swing at the animal, but it looks like this little kitty is a pro and knows her way around an uncompromising man. Anymore physical action will send you straight to the emergency room.

Forget the Cat Scratch Fever and go straight for the mental tactics. This is where she will shine but you have one huge advantage over her: you're a man! And as such, you'll have no problem outwitting this crazy dame. Invite her to dinner, but make her drive so that you don't have to waste your gas; Meet her folks, and then take every opportunity to remind her mother that you sure hope her daughter doesn't inherit her cankles; and to top it all off, tell her how much she reminds you of your last ex-girlfriend which you refer to as "the one that got away."

Take my advice and you'll have Tigerlily checking herself in at your local Humane Society!

Mean Girl

Fetchmeister writes:

I'm super fetch, but not all my friends are as fetch as I am. Should I find new friends or just relish in the fact that I am the fetchest of them all? By the way, you're super fetch.

My Response:

First off, I'm amazed that you believe you even have friends (I bet you think Carly Simon wrote a song about you). With that in mind; sure, find new friends. Maybe you're "new" friends will be able to fill your head with a little perspective.

Secondly, once you find new friends, tell your old friends exactly how you feel about them so that they understand why you're abandoning them. Maybe this will awaken them to the fact that they are subpar and unworthy of your friendship.

By letting many of my friends know what a favor I was doing them by merely being seen in public with them, they too were able to step up to the challenge and dare I say that some of them have even attained a small bit of awesomeness; almost to the point where I may considering "commenting" them.

Trust me, you'll be doing everyone involved a favor.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Tappin' too much?

Tap Tap Master writes:

How much is too much Tapatio? I love Tapatio. More than a lot of things. I need my fix or else I find myself craving it. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning it's the first thing I think about. I even coordinate my lunches to be a food item I can eat with Tapatio. Some people may say I'm addicted. Others obsessed. I don't see a problem with my love for the greatest hot sauce known to our civilization. And I'm not in denial. What are your thoughts?

My response:

It seems to me that you're projecting your need for attention onto a tasty sauce. Maybe it's time to start a relationship with something that can give a little more back in return. Don't get me wrong, I know how much a devious seductress Tapatio sauce can be, but you are a human being worth loving.

I suggest you get a hamster. Hamsters are versatile animals that will not only willingly accept your love, but will also return your love with companionship and hours of entertainment.

My other suggestion would be to join a cult. Cults offer entirely unconditional friendship (almost), fill your days with resourceful indoctrination and sometimes even provide you with a stylish new wardrobe.

So there's no reason that you can't continue your relationship with Tapatio, but as you can see there is a plethora of healthy alternatives to your serious obsession.

Besides, if you love it so much, why don't you just marry it?!

Miscreants in the Workplace

Lacking Authority writes:

What should I do when my boss leaves me in charge for the day and then no one listens to me? Today someone was even painting her nails while on the clock! Please help me!

My response:

Remember you grade school days when your teacher was out sick and the unwitting substitute was called in? This is much the same situation; but in your case worse. When a substitute faces a room full of those left in her charge, at the end of the day, she gets to go home and forget all about their miserable, little faces. In your case, your boss has left you in charge, not to show how much he appreciates your hours of endless laboring and dedication in the office, but more of a back handed slap across your face--knowing full well, the wiliness of his crew. It'd be in your best interest to show that office that you mean business! Take the bull by the horns and lay down the law. Make them work late, while you leave early; Give them your workload on top of their own; and as for that no-mannered manicurist, Make her scrub the floors until her knuckles bleed and then she'll have a real excuse to be concerned about her nails. We're a nation at war for crying out loud!

As for that scheming boss of yours, you just start being the Jim Halpert to his Dwight. May I recommend that you start stocking up on Jell-O?

Flip Flop Fetish Feels Funny!

Lara writes:

My flip flop fell apart and I put some glue on it and it leaked out onto my toe. Now they keep sticking together when I move my foot. What do I do?

My response:

Aside from the fact that you're clearly too cheap to shell out 99 cents for a new pair, I would recommend some peanut butter.

One time I put some Big league chewing gum in a little girl's hair when her mother wasn't looking and then I took the opportunity to chastise the greedy child for being so careless as to get gum in her hair. When her mother finally took notice I was quick to point out that peanut butter usually removes sticky objects. While I'll never know if the peanut butter actually worked in removing the spitty debris, I'll never forget the feeling of satisfaction I felt watching that mother drag her screaming offspring by her hair to who cares where!

Trouble at the rat race...

Q writes:

So I have this co-worker who really annoys me. What should I do?

My response:

Hmmm...I, too, have experienced the difficulties of annoying co-workers and I would say the best thing to do is find out what YOU are doing wrong. When you're annoyed with someone it's typically because you have, either conciously or inadvertently, triggered some annoyance on them. Maybe you stand a little too close, maybe you breathe a little too loudly, maybe you shower too infrequently. Reflect on your daily habits and I'm sure you'll find the answer to your problem was right in front of your nose. Good luck!

Come and get your dose...

Welcome to my Blog! I've found that I have plenty of great advice to give, but no one ever seems to listen to me. So I've decided that from now on, I'm only doling out bad advice.

If you have a question, about ANYTHING at all, and you'd like my opinion, I'm willing to give it.

Email your questions to