Tappin' too much?

Tap Tap Master writes:

How much is too much Tapatio? I love Tapatio. More than a lot of things. I need my fix or else I find myself craving it. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning it's the first thing I think about. I even coordinate my lunches to be a food item I can eat with Tapatio. Some people may say I'm addicted. Others obsessed. I don't see a problem with my love for the greatest hot sauce known to our civilization. And I'm not in denial. What are your thoughts?

My response:

It seems to me that you're projecting your need for attention onto a tasty sauce. Maybe it's time to start a relationship with something that can give a little more back in return. Don't get me wrong, I know how much a devious seductress Tapatio sauce can be, but you are a human being worth loving.

I suggest you get a hamster. Hamsters are versatile animals that will not only willingly accept your love, but will also return your love with companionship and hours of entertainment.

My other suggestion would be to join a cult. Cults offer entirely unconditional friendship (almost), fill your days with resourceful indoctrination and sometimes even provide you with a stylish new wardrobe.

So there's no reason that you can't continue your relationship with Tapatio, but as you can see there is a plethora of healthy alternatives to your serious obsession.

Besides, if you love it so much, why don't you just marry it?!